messy thoughts.

Will I ever learn? At this point, I feel pretty hopeless.

I feel like crap, I take antidepressants, feel better, go off, and then am right back where I started. Repeat this so many times I lost track.

Complain about my weight, exercise for a few days, hurt like crazy, stop, eat myself silly, and then complain about my weight again.

Feel really motivated to cook for the week, eat healthier, and then drive past the gas station and lose all self control.

Go to sleep at night, wake up determined to have patience. By 9:00 AM it is gone. When is bed time again?

Look at my ridiculously cute kids, think we should have one more, Sabrina wakes up at 3:00 in the morning for the day, change my mind about one more baby, Sabrina learns how to say "I wove ewww!", we should have another one, or should we.

Watch the Olympics, get inspired to be something more than just this, realize just this is okay, but what if. What if I am I suppose to do something more than this every day stuff? Maybe I should come up with some grand dream to pursue, or not.

I think I should just enjoy today {and everyday after} for whatever it brings me, big or small. Today it was Paul bringing me breakfast in bed, a walk to the park, a home cooked lunch, an unmade bed, and Finding Nemo that reminded me to just keep swimming.

harder.

Blah. Today was hard.

Very little sleep and a cold had a lot to do with my crankiness. Oh, and the run around I am getting with HealthCare dot gov. I have a string of naughty words for them right now.

It was hard to find the awesome. That is what I get for having such a good day yesterday, right?

My SIL called when I was in the middle of feeling yucky, and invited me to meet up last minute. It was perfect timing. I needed to let the kids play, drink a cold beverage, and chat about life. 

I use to look forward to getting the mail every day, because I didn't worry about bills {that was Paul's job}. Now? I hate getting it. I can easily skip this task without hesitation. Today I did end up getting it, and my lovely MIL sent the kids Valentine's. The kids were excited to take a trip to Target for a new toy.

Savannah had activity days today, and Jerilee has been a total life saver...taking her to and from since Paul's accident. It makes me realize how even the small things like this can make someone's day.  

Even though I had a hard time making myself happy, and it took the help of others to make the day better, I survived. Bring on Friday.

twas good.

My morning started at 4:45 AM, and I was not so thankful for that. I did however have a positive attitude about it, and cracked open my left over chips and salsa from Cafe Rio for breakfast. It made me happy, even if I had to be up so early after a night of sleeping on the couch. 

When I loaded kids in the car to take Savannah to school, I noticed the most beautiful sky. Then my babies promptly fell asleep, because duh...waking up before 5 is crazy talk.

I volunteered to make some clay for Savannah's class, and it made for a fun project for all us. I delivered some love treats to friends. Doing these things always make me happy. If you need a pick me up? Get lost in service, it always works.

Paul bought me a yummy treat, which I didn't share with kids. Also, I got a lovely afternoon nap. 

I noticed at dinner how big our baby is getting, and it made me both happy and a bit sad. Definitely bittersweet. She is an adorable toddler, sitting up at the table like a big girl.

It was such a good day it was hard to narrow down all the awesome tonight. I have already discussed how much I love Wednesdays, and this one was no exception.

this will help.

This will show one of my character flaws, but I am okay with sharing. When you go through something really hard, do you ever feel really picked on? Like for every 5 positive things that happen, there are 10 negative things. Making it impossible to see all the good. Just me? Oh well, I never claimed to be perfect anyway.

Remember in November when I wrote a little thankful post every day for a week or so? I decided I need to do that again. It helped me look for the positive, and in these past couple of months I have not been consistently good at doing this.

I realize people have it much worse than I do. My life is relatively easy, and I know this obstacle we are faced with will soon be over. Thankfully. This will all be a speed bump in the scheme of things.

I have had this thought a lot lately...I am thankful that I can work, and I am thankful I can stay home. Once I have gotten the kids to the sitter, and we are out working, I love it. I feel accomplished, and it feels good to provide for our family. The days I get to stay home, I love it too. I like to be the one to kiss hurt fingers, take a nap with the kids, scratch Devin's back, watch endless amounts of cartoons, and clean if I feel like it. See? My life is good.

Today I was thankful for our friend inviting Devin to go and see The Lego Movie. He was so excited, and since Sabrina has the flu...it was good timing for him.

I was thankful that we were able to go outside and play, because it warmed up just enough that Devin thought he should wear flip flops and shorts {only in Utah}.

I loved getting an email from my friend, and a text from another one. It made me feel like someone was thinking of me, even when I feel lonely over here cleaning up throw up.
  
Who knows how long I will need to keep up my thankful posts. Maybe a week, or another month. I know I already feel better. 

We shall meet here tomorrow night for another segment of Von's thankful for random crap. 

this roller coaster we call our life.

I am giving up part of my nap time to pluck out some words for this neglected blog of mine. 

I am in survival mode. Sometimes I can live day by day, but mostly I do better to think about my life moment to moment. It can be a little overwhelming to think of everything that needs to be done in an entire day. 

It has been 8 weeks since Paul had his accident. 
It has been 1 hour since I had to blow my nose.
I have zero desire to celebrate Valentine's day.
It has been 3 days since I waited on hold again with Health Care dot gov.

It has been 2 weeks since the Dr told us that he could expect a 16 week recovery, not a 12.
It has been 12 days since I decided to put Sabrina in a toddler bed.
I have 4 days until the weekend. 
It has been 4 days since I had to take the kids to the babysitter, and
I love being home with them.
It has been 10 minutes since I had my last Coke.

 

It has been 30 days since we had to let Cooper go to another loving family.
I have taken 5 pictures on my real camera the entire month of February.
It took me 5 days to get to 50 on Flappy Bird.
It has been 9 days since my last GNO, and I am in need of another one.

My house was clean, and took all of 20 minutes for it to look wrecked.
It has been 2 weeks since our friend decided to take on the challenge of our children for all of our babysitting needs.
There was a stretch of 3 nights that Sabrina slept through the night.
It has been 45 minutes since my kids fell asleep, and I need to wrap up this post.               
It has been 30ish days since my last blog post, and I miss this. I do.