24 years.

 

We were just babies back in 1999 when we decided to get married, I was still in high school for hell's sake! I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into, but we did know what we were getting ourselves out of. Paul and I have both gone through moments of not knowing if we really made the right decision to get married. It sounds scary to some to say that out loud, like if you just think it somehow that doesn't make those feelings real.

At 18 I had an unrealistic expectation of what marriage would look like, and what real relationships look like. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings properly to anyone, let alone my new husband. It made for a lot of hard feelings and hurtful years. I was so unsure of myself, and definitely not ready to be in a long-term relationship. It is still wild to me that at 18 I thought, yup, this guy is gonna be the one for eternity. 

We no longer sweep feelings under the rug, we say those feelings out into the universe and to each other, no matter how hard they are to sometimes admit. We are honest about where we stand in our relationship with ourselves and others. We are best friends who still have disagreements and don't always see eye to eye. We no longer sugar coat things to make others feel a certain way. 

Paul and I have spent more than half of our lives together. We have navigated having 4 children, a small business, multiple house and car purchases, mental health, drama, jobs, COVID, a faith transition...and we have done it all together. Who knows what the future holds, no one does, but we are still here making it work! 

When I asked Paul if we should renew our vows on a beach somewhere for our 25th, he said this "Every day we are married we are renewing our vows, in my opinion." It struck me hard, and felt so true! Every day we are waking up and commiting to one more day, trying a little harder than the day before, and showing up for each other in different ways.

Happy Anniversary Paul! Thanks for the roller coaster that is our life. I never have liked anything boring, so this life we have created makes sense. 

Gorgeous photos by our talented photographer and friend Kim Orlandini.

life in your 40's...

I turned 40, and was not prepared for what happens after. 

{cute friend on Instagram {@balloonbabesofslc} made this balloon art}

It is mostly good, but man is it a mind f***. You are sorta-kinda at the half way point of life, and you think you have it mostly figured out. Everything feels pretty good. You look around and can appreciate your 4 beautiful kids, a stay at home gig, a supportive husband, the big house, the nice car, you get it. BUT what if? Is this as good as it gets?

You decide to leave that church that never felt right. You reconnect with your Dad you haven't spoke to in 15 years. You start working. You get tattoos. Solo trips to places you have never been. You stop sharing a bedroom with your husband. It all feels good and right, but what if? Is this as good as it gets? 

You start making choices that you know are right for you, even at a risk of losing people. You start loving yourself a little more than you did before, because you are living more authentic. You start celebrating more, and maybe go a little overboard. You start wearing those obnoxiously big earrings and crazy colored clothes,  because it makes you happy. You deep dive emotionally in to every decision you ever made, and wonder if it was the right one. You set boundaries, and people get uncomfortable.

***

I think the biggest things I have learned so far in my 40's are...

It is okay to change your mind!

It is okay to not fit in.

People can change, if they want to...but it is hard! People can also not want to change, and that is also hard.

Relationships are a 2 way street, you can't will a relationship the other person doesn't want to contribute to.

An apology is never wasted.

It always feels good to hear that your parents are proud of you, and love you.

You realize your life can look like whatever you want it to, and you definitely don't need the same thing as your neighbor, friend, sister, cousin!

Just because my choices look different from yours, we can still be wildly supportive of one another.

***

I don't know what the rest of my 40's will look like, I am still optimistic it will be the best decade of my life. I have never felt more alive, and yet so scared. I have never felt so sure of the path I am on, and yet so nervous. Is this as good as it gets? I guess I am about the find out.