24 years.

 

We were just babies back in 1999 when we decided to get married, I was still in high school for hell's sake! I don't think either of us knew what we were getting ourselves into, but we did know what we were getting ourselves out of. Paul and I have both gone through moments of not knowing if we really made the right decision to get married. It sounds scary to some to say that out loud, like if you just think it somehow that doesn't make those feelings real.

At 18 I had an unrealistic expectation of what marriage would look like, and what real relationships look like. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings properly to anyone, let alone my new husband. It made for a lot of hard feelings and hurtful years. I was so unsure of myself, and definitely not ready to be in a long-term relationship. It is still wild to me that at 18 I thought, yup, this guy is gonna be the one for eternity. 

We no longer sweep feelings under the rug, we say those feelings out into the universe and to each other, no matter how hard they are to sometimes admit. We are honest about where we stand in our relationship with ourselves and others. We are best friends who still have disagreements and don't always see eye to eye. We no longer sugar coat things to make others feel a certain way. 

Paul and I have spent more than half of our lives together. We have navigated having 4 children, a small business, multiple house and car purchases, mental health, drama, jobs, COVID, a faith transition...and we have done it all together. Who knows what the future holds, no one does, but we are still here making it work! 

When I asked Paul if we should renew our vows on a beach somewhere for our 25th, he said this "Every day we are married we are renewing our vows, in my opinion." It struck me hard, and felt so true! Every day we are waking up and commiting to one more day, trying a little harder than the day before, and showing up for each other in different ways.

Happy Anniversary Paul! Thanks for the roller coaster that is our life. I never have liked anything boring, so this life we have created makes sense. 

Gorgeous photos by our talented photographer and friend Kim Orlandini.

life in your 40's...

I turned 40, and was not prepared for what happens after. 

{cute friend on Instagram {@balloonbabesofslc} made this balloon art}

It is mostly good, but man is it a mind f***. You are sorta-kinda at the half way point of life, and you think you have it mostly figured out. Everything feels pretty good. You look around and can appreciate your 4 beautiful kids, a stay at home gig, a supportive husband, the big house, the nice car, you get it. BUT what if? Is this as good as it gets?

You decide to leave that church that never felt right. You reconnect with your Dad you haven't spoke to in 15 years. You start working. You get tattoos. Solo trips to places you have never been. You stop sharing a bedroom with your husband. It all feels good and right, but what if? Is this as good as it gets? 

You start making choices that you know are right for you, even at a risk of losing people. You start loving yourself a little more than you did before, because you are living more authentic. You start celebrating more, and maybe go a little overboard. You start wearing those obnoxiously big earrings and crazy colored clothes,  because it makes you happy. You deep dive emotionally in to every decision you ever made, and wonder if it was the right one. You set boundaries, and people get uncomfortable.

***

I think the biggest things I have learned so far in my 40's are...

It is okay to change your mind!

It is okay to not fit in.

People can change, if they want to...but it is hard! People can also not want to change, and that is also hard.

Relationships are a 2 way street, you can't will a relationship the other person doesn't want to contribute to.

An apology is never wasted.

It always feels good to hear that your parents are proud of you, and love you.

You realize your life can look like whatever you want it to, and you definitely don't need the same thing as your neighbor, friend, sister, cousin!

Just because my choices look different from yours, we can still be wildly supportive of one another.

***

I don't know what the rest of my 40's will look like, I am still optimistic it will be the best decade of my life. I have never felt more alive, and yet so scared. I have never felt so sure of the path I am on, and yet so nervous. Is this as good as it gets? I guess I am about the find out.

2022 is coming to an end.

How did 2022 go by so fast!? It was full of change, disappointment, growth, travel, therapy, basketball, and the happy outweighed the sad...I think. 

Drake {age 7} - Drake finally came out of the electronic addiction fog, and his imagination blossomed. He doesn't play on the Switch anymore, and rarely plays on his phone. His favorite things are art projects of any kind, sleepover's in Mom's bed, and playing outside. Drake is the first to want to play in the snow, the first to wake up every morning, and the first to complain when he doesn't get his way. He loves "making plays" with Devin in the basement on the basketball hoop.

Bina {age 10} - Bina started playing the Viola this year, and has become quite good. She has become addicted to her iPad, Stranger Things, and her heating pad (don't ask!). She prefers her pj's over her school clothes, and likes to see how many days it will be until I ask her to wash her hair. Bina had her heart set on being the CEO of Chick Fil A at Biztown, and was so ecstatic to fulfill her dreams. Bina loves playing Roblox with her friends and cousins, she has become my best babysitter, and is saving $2 bills {and almost has 50 of them!}.

Devin {age 12} - Still playing on multiple AAU basketball teams, and always has the energy for more. He is loving Junior High, and always has drama filled stories about his day when he gets in the car (it would be nice if I went the rest of the school year without a call from the VP). Devin started playing the trombone, and we always have a good laugh when he practices. He also got his first set of stitches from colliding in the paint during a basketball game (no surprises there!). Devin is sweet, sensitive, and wants to make friends with everyone.

Savannah {age 18 - adult!!} - Savannah started a real job at Sonic, still manages the girls basketball team, and has found love in a new boy. She got in to every college she had her heart set on, and we are excited for what after high school has instore for her. She went on a trip to Vegas for her 18th birthday, and had the time of her life with her Dad. She got in her first "real" car accident, got her first bank account with direct deposit, and travels the freeways like a pro...but driving in the snow is still a no-go. We don't see her as much as we would like, but I guess she is just preparing us for when she moves out.

Paul {forever 32 baby!} - We lost track of how many times Paul went to Vegas to recharge, it is most definitely his happy place. He traveled to Oregon for a convention, and opted for Uber instead of a rental car...which was a big deal for Paul who doesn't like "new experiences". He started a little side hustle of selling sports cards, and didn't always enjoy the highs and lows of the business. He broke my heart by telling me he wanted sleep in separate rooms, but it turns out it might be one my favorite things we did for our marriage in 2022. 

Evonne {40-something} - This was my biggest year that I can remember. I started a new job at the first of the year, quit that job, and started another new job. Who am I starting 2 new jobs in one year!? I got my first tattoo {+9}, and they make me soooo happy. I went on 2 solo trips, and one of them I got to use my passport for the first time in my life. I went to Palm Springs for a visit with my Dad and his partner. I also got to enjoy a Mexican cruise with my SIL being her +1. My year wouldn't be complete without a random dental issue mixed in, and I am going into 2023 with one less tooth! I also pulled up my big girl panties and got myself my own bank account. My van blew up, and I ended 2022 with a new van...but I am still so sad and miss my old one.

In the Spring we experienced the loss of Coach Z unexpectedly, and we closed out 2022 with the death of my Mom. Navigating death with my children was hard, and not something I was ready for. I was also not expecting the feelings that were brought up with my Mom's passing. Hard times always show you who shows up for you when you are at your worst. I am thankful for the kind gestures small and big that have carried me through the past couple of weeks. 

We did our usual travels to Idaho, St George, and Wyoming, but didn't quite make it on a big family vacation in 2022. Eh, maybe next year. I struggled through Summer realizing that the life of having our 4 kids around to play with is long gone. The littles and I spent endless hours by the pool, while Devin was off playing basketball with friends. Savannah worked, but we occasionally snuck in adventures with 3 of the 4 kids (Devin or Savannah was always missing). I definitely relish in the moments that we are all together as a family of 6. 

I think I am ready to see what 2023 has for us, but if I am being honest...I am slightly terrified. I am tired, and I am needing some "normal" months, if not years, to recover. Our family has done a lot of growing, changing, and healing this year. Even though those are all good things, they can exhausting. Paul and I are really proud of the family we have built, we are raising some pretty incredible kids. 

2023. It felt so far away to say Savannah would graduate in 2023, and here we are watching our oldest get it done! Man, this growing old stuff is wild. 

2021 - the rollercoaster that we lived.

I started to write a recap for 2020, and it never got published. It still makes me sad, but after that shit show...do we really want to remember much of it!? The answer is no, no we do not. 

Soooo, to 2021 we go, even though some parts weren't much better than 2020. I will try to only highlight the good parts, because isn't that what we do in social media...highlight reel baaaby!

Drakey boy {age 6} - Drake kept us on our toes like he has since the day he was born. We kicked off the year with our first set of stitches and ended it with another broken arm. He started Kindergarten and cries on the weekend when he doesn't get to go. He took the reigns of being obsessed with the Switch, his favorite games are Fortnite, Minecraft, and occasionally he will mix it up with Mario. He made new best friends in Christine and Caleb, but his family still ranks up there as favorites.  He likes anything his Momma likes...Mini Brands, Target runs, Coke, treats, and snuggles.

Bina  {age 9} - Sabrina left her school and friends behind to start a new school. She has made new friends, but she has struggled with the change. She loves doing her make-up, and all things extra girly...and can't wait until her Dad approves a second piercing in her ears. She still spends most of her time on YouTube watching tutorials, she loves to create all things. She added baking to her hobbies but are we surprised, she loves making messes. She bribes Drake to sleep with her every night with candy, she doesn't like to be by herself. Sabrina thrives on one on one time, and always picks margaritas for her parent date. Gosh, she is a special one, I can't wait for the day she sees herself how I see her.

Devin {age 11} - If you could sum up his year it would be BASKETBALL! He plays whenever he gets a chance, and plays for multiple AAU teams. He finally stopped obsessing over Fortnite, and moved on to obsessing over trading cards with his Dad. We finally convinced him he should start wearing his glasses, now we just have to convince him jackets are okay too. He started collecting matchbox cars, and already has an entire wall display of them. Devin started a new school, and has been a little bored because he has already learned everything they have worked on this year (he does love his teacher though). He is our official garbage man, and is so helpful and kind. 12 and Junior High is right around the corner, and he is excited.

Savannah {age 17} - It has been quite the year for our girl. One car accident, one broken heart, 3 school dances, countless trips to Jordan Landing, working, made some new friends, and her basketball career ending. She took an art class, continues to spend her time in the gym being the basketball manager, and I have loved watching her confidence blossom. I am always in awe of Savannah, and how well she can communicate her feelings. She is the queen of selfies, responsible, and even though she is terrified to be an adult...she is gonna rock it. If you want to know anything about music, she is your girl...best keeper of the aux ever.

Paul {forever 32!} - Paul had a year of travel, success, and soul searching. He started a new hobby of collecting trading cards, and gained a new little buddy in Devin by doing so. He went to Vegas, Southern California, back to his old stompin' grounds, and made quite few trips to Wyoming, Idaho, and St. George. He is still a master at Farm Saga Heroes, has a deep love of baked goods, but hasn't gone to as many movies as he would have liked. He found a therapist he likes, goes shopping for himself again, and is sad that the pandemic led to a shortage of size 13 shoes. Tiktok is still our favorite way to communicate during the day, by sending all the funnies back and forth.

Evonne { FORTY!! 40!! The big 4-0} - I always have the hardest time talking about myself, so let me see if I can come up with stuff. I worked on myself for most of the year, and even though my weight doesn't show it...my mental stability is much better. I started a little side hustle working beer stands, serving food, and lots of manual labor at the Jazz, Bees, and Real games, and concerts. It has given me all that extra money to buy Mini Brands (thank you Christine for being my collector buddy), lunch dates (mostly by myself), and Target runs for the dollar spot to decorate my mantel. I was diagnosed with ADHD (which explains a lot), got a lot of bad news (which made me take different paths), and started talking to my Dad again after 15 years. I started studying crystals, and Savannah humors me with her Tarot cards. Phew, 2021 was a weird one, especially when you put it into a paragraph.

Our family experienced lots of "firsts". We flew to Florida and experienced Disney World and Universal Studios. This is the first year in almost a decade I didn't do "Adventure a Day", and I still have loads of regret about it. We had lots of kidless weekends, and found new favorite hotels in the process. We started doing puzzles, and man is it nice to sit and bond over a good 2,000 piece puzzle. We sat through more basketball games than I could even count, but then we spent a lot of time just hanging out at home with each other.

Our goals for the new year consist of traveling to a new place, saving money, throwing more parties, start checking off that list of medical stuff the Dr gave me, and learning to be more present. 2022, you aren't ready for us. 

Day 6 Covid 19 + Devin's 10th Birthday

Today has been much less eventful than yesterday, but for all the right reasons. Today is our Devin's 10th birthday, and we are lucky to be able to celebrate him. We had a big party planned at the arcade, but that was obviously canceled last week, long before this escalated to even the point we are at now. He cried. He was disappointed, but we have made the most of it. 

Ice cream, cake, presents, funny balloon games, and "What is in your mouth?" challenge. We have laughed more today than all the other days combined. It is gloomy and rainy today, and the kids have only ventured out to get mail and take the trash out. It is always hard when you don't get to be in the fresh air to reboot yourself.

I was able to venture out once today, I donated plasma this morning. It felt weird to have minimal interactions in a place that is normally bustling. They have cut down on the beds that are available to ensure that everyone is staying a distance while laying donating. In a few days this could be our only source of income, unless they follow suit and close with the rest of them.

Paul is still trying to find locations that haven't closed yet, pulling all the money out to live in on the meantime.  He comes home exhausted, mentally and physically. It is weird not having contact with the outside world, living in a bubble you almost forget why we are doing this. The reality is harsh when you come face to face with it when you work. 

I was thankful for Savannah's therapist who is doing phone appointments. She had hers today, and I was glad that option was available. He will be calling weekly until we have a change in situations. That is what scares me the most in all of this, our mental health will suffer. We have all been working so hard for the past 4+ months with our therapists, Doctors, etc. 

Day 5 - Covid 19 + 5.7 Earthquake

We were shaken awake by a 5.7 earthquake, besides Drake. Poor Drakey was in his bedroom by himself getting ready for the day when it hit, and he came screaming/crying into our bedroom. I hurried and grabbed him, Paul ran down the stairs to the basement where our 3 older kids who were huddled together scared out of their minds. We got everyone in our entryway/door frame until the shaking stopped. It felt like all hell broke loose after this. Anxiety is a problem in this household, everyone handles it so differently. We had 2 boys immediately get stomach aches, and need to throw up. There have been too many aftershocks to count, but the last one had us running to get under our kitchen table when it clocked in at a 4.6 magnitude. 

We spent most of the morning/early afternoon snuggled on the couch trying to calm nerves. Paul still had to work, and it was so hard to watch him drive away knowing I was the adult in charge to make sure these 4 kids are safe. 

Things settled down enough for some outside time, even though it is chilly. We started home school late afternoon, and are plugging along on projects that need to go back on the first day, whenever that happens.

Paul can't get to his locations fast enough, and some have already been closed for almost a week. Dentist appointments were canceled today, my freezer meal party canceled today, Drakey had a little operation scheduled for next week...canceled. Our lives consist of what meals we are going to eat next, what show we all can agree on, and memes that get us through with a good dose of laughter.

Day 4 - Covid 19

Trying to have semi-normal life, even though everything around us is changing. We celebrated St.Patty's Day, the corned beef wasn't a hit, can't win 'em all. We decorated our neighbors doorsteps with gold coins and confetti, we are trying to spread joy.  Our neighborhood had everyone hang a clover in the window, so when you were out on walks/drives, you could find them all. Everyone in our group came up with a different number, but I am realizing the simple things are bringing us large amounts of happiness.

Paul is working crazy hours, because any day, everything will be shut down and we will have zero income. When you leave the house it is eerie, no crowds - places are closed - people losing their jobs. I cried when one of our vending locations wouldn't take their commission money from us. Life is hard, but we are blessed. I know Heavenly Father was preparing us for his exact situation months ago. 

Home school is going well, we have a really loose schedule that works for us. We are enjoying the sunshine when it makes an appearance. We are working on projects that have been put on the back burner for so long, but we suddenly have time for. We are catching up on shows/watching movies, spending lots of time all huddled in one room.