Why don't you speak to your parents?
Thank you anonymous person. I giggled, and then had one of those moments where you call your BFF and say "It is going to be a fabulous week on my blog!"
The best advice I ever got was actually from my Father. I wish that I had saved the e-mail so that I could give it to you word for word. It goes something like this...Do exactly what makes you happy. He always told a story of living a miserable life, and doing what everyone else wanted him to do until he turned 40. My parents got divorced around that time, and that is when my Father decided to start living for himself instead of everyone else.
My story is maybe a little similar to his. I always made decisions that would make everyone else happy. I never had much of a voice in my family. I am the baby, and out of everyone I am the quiet one...as shocking as that is to some. More times than not I would end up in tears, and not from being overly sensitive either. Unfortunately I wouldn't stand up for myself, because they were my family. I would always take it out on Paul instead.
I wanted my little family to be different than what I was raised in. I wanted to show Van that it is okay to have a voice, it is okay to not agree with me, you don't have to have drama, and you are loved and supported no matter what decision you make. I don't want Van to come to me with something, and then have to worry about all her siblings finding out. I wanted to change my future, and I wanted to be happy.
The first couple of weeks were hard, I won't lie about that. I had to explain to Van why she would no longer be hearing from her Grandparents. I had to figure out where my place in life was again, but when I found it...it never felt so good. I had the best Thanksgiving and Christmas last year that I can ever remember. I found out that Paul and Van are my family...they really are all I need.
16 comments:
Do you know what? I just love you! I am not sure if it's possible to love someone you have never met(Bon Jovi does NOT count) but everyday I look forward to reading what you have to say. I admire your courage and honesty. You are hilarious, creative, positive and smart. You and your family are beautiful. So I am just coming out of the "blog stalking woodwork" to say that you are an inspiration to me and I love you for it. Thank you! Also, if you ever go private, I need a heads up :)
-Tara (Callee is how I found you)
yes, she is so awesome. That is how I found Von too is through blog stalking and I love that she is honest and open!
you are one super hot groupie!!!!
I am on pins and needles for my question to get answered.
I always wondered but never asked. Makes sense to me :-)
I totally respect this.
The family that YOU created is what's most important. I say you are very strong and smart for recognizing what was bringing you down and FIXING it. You have people who love you and WANT to lift you up and see you happy. Stick with those people :).
I totally get it you are AWESOME!
That's got to be such a bittersweet experience. Way to go for doing what makes you happy and making sure your kids will see that you are a strong person in charge of your own choices. I love that.
Really? You cut out your parents from your life for "negativity" during a stressful time? WOW.
You say: I wanted to show Van that it is okay to have a voice, it is okay to not agree with me, you don't have to have drama, and you are loved and supported no matter what decision you make.
So you showed Van that people can only have a voice and talk with you if they agree with you, that it is NOT okay to not agree with you, you respond with huge drama "I'm not talking to you my parents again, ever" and showed her that your love and support ARE conditional, and that you can cut family (and your parents!) out of your life for not agreeing with you.
What about modeling healthy boundaries and mature conversation?
God bless Von if she grows up and finds you disagree with her choices. I hope she doesn't respond as you did, because I can't even imagine how painful that must be for your family.
Sorry - I've been lurking for a long time and love your blog, but this shocked me.
I've kind of wondered for a while (since our long walks on the mezz) if too much negativity was bad. I'm glad that you are now happy where you are. You deserve that and so much more. I'm so glad that you are blogging because it feels like we're kind of keeping in touch now. You are a wonderful person and have such a great heart. If everyone who stalked you here knew you as much as I learned years ago...well, they would love you even more. You've given so many beautiful gifts and great advice. I wish we lived closer so we could actually see each other more than once in 5 years.
I respect your decision and you are right - YOUR family, the Von, Van, Paul & Vin family - is the most important family.
On a random side note, do you ever wonder if your own family blog stalks you, and if so, how does that make you feel? I would be uncomfortable with one-way silence, where I cut someone off but they can still 'spy' on me, so-to-speak. (And, I am so paranoid that every time there was an anonymous comment or something I would wonder if it was a family member). So I guess I am the curious type that would love to hear more about this. Do you think your feelings will ever change? As long as you and Paul are happy, that's what matters most
Sandra let me tell me why your comment really bugged me (sorry quite defensive of my friend Evonne here, I love her too much to not say something)
#1 you were unbelievably judgmental Evonne was trying to be quite vague and sensitive to family members that might be reading. You have no idea of what she SAVED her sweet baby girl from and herself.
#2 healthy boundaries and mature conversation ARE fantastic AND what we should strive for... don't you think Evonne is the type of person that would have STRIVED for this but known at a certain point and it DOES get to the point that all around it is just terribly unhealthy and that her last choice was to cut clean from it?
#3 I thought it was a low blow to bring in her sweet daughter and the "pain" she must be causing her family. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
I understand asking questions, voicing opinions, but yours was done in a horribly judgmental way.
Evonne,
Speaking as a "blood sister" on the topic of family negativity and pain, I completely respect your position. NO ONE can know the anguish you went through to come to this difficult decision, nor fully comprehend how destructive a dysfunctional family relationship can be on good-hearted people like yourself. There are times where you either gotta bail or go down with the boat and I admire you for putting your children as first priority.
However, while I think that the "Sandra" who commented here might be a bit naiive in her sentiments about having mature conversations and the likes (because this is absolutely impossible with some people), I also gotta give her props for having the courage to voice an un-popular, albeit honest opinion because that's what helps us all to think deeply about both sides of the truly important issues in life.
Lots of love,
Lauren
I haven't been on the computer much this week, so I'm a little late in responding.
Von, coming from someone who has experienced something *somewhat* similar, I completely understand and respect your decision. You know yourself and your little family better than anyone else and you are entitled (and expected) to make decisions that allow for a healthy relationship, where self-esteem and self-worth can increase.
We don't know the extent of what you've been through with your family, or at what lengths you tried to appease the situation, but ultimately, what it comes to is you can't allow for anyone (even if it is family, sadly enough) to poison and stunt the positive upbringing of a human being. If it means removing yourself from that influence, so be it. And as hard a decision I'd imagine it was for you to make, I applaud you!
Granted, you will meet those with conflicting opinions, but stay strong to what you believe to be right for you and your sweet family. You know what's best for them!
I'm sure that was really hard to share. Thanks for letting us have a peek into your life.
Oh my! I love how people can judge with very few details. I also have a parent who have little or no contact with because the relationship is toxic. Sometimes the best thing for a relationship is not to have one at all.
LOVE YOU BUNCHES AND TONS AND LOTS!
I just wanted to tell you that I think you're a brave woman for even trying to attempt to answer this question in a public way. I think you could write a novel on the topic as it is not an overnight decision to cut your parents out of your life. I know cause we're in the same boat.
Why is it ok to cut a friend out of your life that is harmful to you but not a loved one? Blood relation doesn't give someone a free pass to constantly hurt, judge, cut down, abuse, and use you as a scapegoat for their life being crappy.
I'm glad your happy. You really do deserve it. :)
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